A New Induction Method

Me: I think I may have to resort to pumping to get this kid out.
Eric (working, doesn’t turn around): Pumping, don’t know what that is…
Me: With the breast pump…
Eric: …. *flips around* YOU’RE GONNA PUMP YOUR VAGINA WITH THE BREAST PUMP?!?!

(ETA: Amelia, he totally said vagina. That’s what made me laugh for an hour.)

Afternoon Romp

Yesterday was my 39 week appointment. We got the midwife that looks, sounds and acts just like Eric’s sister. Now, I like this lady, she’s sweet, but when the discussion turned to getting the kid out ASAP, it got a little weird.

MW: So, has your body been acting like it wants to get him out?
Me: On and off. Not as much as I’d hope for.
MW: Well, if he doesn’t come by your next appointment, we’ll set a date.
Me: WOOHOO!
MW: So…go home, have sex in the afternoon or morning. Have a little afternoon romp.
Me: Uh, okay…

Eric’s sister’s twin just told us to have sex. If we had been thinking about it before, I certainly wasn’t after that. As we left, Eric kept shivering, “I don’t think I liked that…It was like my sister just told us to have sex…”

The good news is that we now have a set day that we can say we’ll have a set day by - the 6th. I’ve already decided there will be no “setting a date” from there. If he hasn’t come by then, I will beg and plead and promise free work if she will admit me to the hospital, break my water and let that baby come on Saturday. I refuse to have this child hanging out for another couple of weeks. It is time to come out. Now!

I also asked her if she could give me an idea on the size. She felt around a bit and said, “7lbs…..4oz. But I could be off…” Wow. 7 pounds, FOUR ounces. Don’t get me wrong, I trust in her abilities. I trust in all the midwives abilities, but I think the addition of the four ounces was to make me feel more sure about the guess. Yeah, it didn’t work.

Still, it’s nice to know I probably don’t have a 30 pounder in there. Just maybe 29lbs, 4oz.

The Foot That Took Over the World

Take a look at it folks. It huge, it’s grotesque, and it’s actually on it’s way down in that picture. My right foot has begun swelling to insane proportions in the past week or so. It’s so large, even my Crocs no longer fit. The day we went shopping, it had actually managed to swell through the holes in the top of my Crocs. How ridiculous is that? Had I stood any longer I am convinced my foot would’ve swallowed my shoe like The Blob did to so many teenagers. As adorable as this whole marshmallow foot is, I miss being able to tell I actually have an in-step. I certainly miss not having stretching pains in the skin on my foot. Most of all, however, I will miss having cute toes. Not these pathetic, wrinkley, “I’m suddenly 107 years old” toes thanks to the dramatic gain and loss of water in them, and definitely not the little Vienna sausages that have been ruling the roost as of late.

One week to go and my main reason for wanting this kid out has become the insane swelling of my feet. You know, since the whole inability to lift my legs or sleep isn’t enough.

On a side note: The Girl rocks my socks. She’s terribly sweet, and don’t you dare let her tell you otherwise.

This Week in Pregnancy - Week 39

How your baby’s growing: Your baby’s ready to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it’s likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) Your baby’s organs are fully developed and in place, and the outer layers of skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath.

The Non-Shower Shopping Day

Saturday I got my non-shower day of shopping with my mom and grandma in. We hit Babies’R'Us first and I had to physically put them away from the clothing section. The child has more clothing than both Eric and I combined. He definitely does not need anymore. We made out like bandits. Between the multitude of coupons I had and the awesome sales woman who gave us three (count em, 3) 15% off coupons, we saved about $60 on everything. We then hit Target for one thing because, well, Babies’R'Us is the definitive end all, be all of baby stores and we managed to get pretty much everything there.

We also got all of his diapers in on Friday. They are washed, sorted by size, likelihood of use, plausible place of use (out or home) and folded in their proper prefold fold so all we have to do is whip them out, lay them flat and lie the child on them. The changing table is set up. The crib that we will probably never use is set up. The bag is packed. The co-sleeper has been set up just to see how we’d sleep with it there. I have read all my baby books twice. I am now completely ready for this child…at least, gear-wise.

10 days. Dear God, 10 days.

This Week in Pregnancy - Week 38

Your baby has really fattened up. She likely weighs between 6 and 7 1/2 pounds now (boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls), and she’s probably between 19 and 20 inches long. She has a firm grasp, which you’ll soon be able to test with your pinky! Her organs are fully developed and in place, but her lungs and brain — though developed enough for her to function now — will continue to mature right through childhood.

Wondering what color your baby’s eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If your baby is born with brown eyes, they’ll likely stay brown. If she’s born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time she’s 9 months old. That’s because a child’s irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after she’s born, but they won’t get “lighter” or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.)

Locked and Loaded

About a week ago, the child did some very strange rolly-polly move in my belly and suddenly I was being kicked and punched on both sides of my belly at the same time. I could no longer feel his feet in my ribs, either. Logic dictated that, “Shit, the child has flipped himself sideways” or transverse, for you folks who know what the hell you’re talking about. What other reason could there be for getting raging flails on both sides of my body? I was convinced it was due to those damn exercises, which I will never be doing again, just in case. Plus, the squats made it impossible for me to climb stairs for 3 days.

I bitched and moaned for the entire week about how shitty it was that the kid was sideways. How I was going to have to have a c-section now and how he was doing it just to be a total brat. I threatened to ground him for the rest of eternity unless he did the rolly-polly move the other way, ASAP. I told him I was going to tell on him to the midwives if he didn’t flip. No flipping.

So, today at my appointment I told on him. “I think he may have moved sideways,” I said.
“Let’s check,” she said.
Here’s where she proceeded to grab my belly, trying to find his head…and it hurt, again. It really hurt again. “Huh, I can’t find anythin…OH! There he is…he’s way down here.” Apparently his rolly-polly move was to sufficiently wiggle his way down into my pelvis. His head is so low, she was nearly grabbing my lady bits. I repeat, it hurt.

So. the child’s head is all the way down. My inability to lift my legs without severe pain is completely normal. The fact that my right foot has been swollen for days is completely normal. I’m having contractions every morning for an hour or so starting at about 7am, and it’s completely normal. I had contractions while in the waiting room, also completely normal. Somehow, I’m still pretty sure the child won’t be coming anytime in June but honestly, at this point, I’m very nearly hoping for it.

This Week in Pregnancy - Week 37

Congratulations! Your pregnancy is now considered full term — meaning your baby is developmentally ready to handle life outside the womb. (Babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 weeks are post-term.) Your baby probably weighs a little over 6 pounds at this point and measures between 19 and 20 inches, head to heel.

Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don’t be surprised if your baby’s hair isn’t the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children are born blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

And Here is Where You Hyperventilate

Last week we went on our hospital tour. I thought it was a good idea to get to know where we should be before I go into labor so Eric doesn’t have to try to follow signs with me flailing wildly and screaming at him about how much it hurts. The hospital is not only beautiful (which we already knew from my grandpa’s heart attack) but also, apparently, has one of the best labor and delivery units in the country.

Our tour leader was a slightly up-tight blonde woman in very pointy shoes. She’s a childbirth educator. She’s also, probably, some form of robot. She began with showing us where we’d come in, “This is where you park. You can only park here for 2 hours.” Followed by, “This is triage. This is where you go to find out if you’re in labor or not.” Then round about and up some elevators to L&D admissions. Here is where they explained how secure the ward was. That you had to be either in labor or proving who you’re visiting to even get through the super-secure, locked doors. Here is also where Eric bit his tongue and didn’t mention how, the last time we were there to do pre-admissions, the pre-admissions woman just let some random man looking for the cafeteria go through those super-secure, locked doors with no more than a, “Yeah, down the hall, take the elevators at the end of the hall.” You know, the end of the hall that has all the unlocked doors with women having babies and whatnot.

So, past the not-so-super-secure, locked doors we went. “Here is secondary triage.” I’m not sure whether they’re way over-estimating the amount of women who plan to come at one time to give birth (flash mob L&D triage, maybe?) or maybe secondary triage doesn’t trust primary triage and feels they need to double check their work. Either way, there are two separate places where I could be told (like my poor mother), “You’re not in labor, yet. Go home. Drink a bottle of wine. Take a bath.”

Next, “Here is one of the operating rooms. Here is the other. Here is where you get water and ice chips. Here is where your husband gets to keep the food he’ll get to eat in front of you, while you are offered 7-up even though you’ve been in labor for the past 22 hours, have had nothing to eat all day and are expected to do marathon pushing like a champ to get this child out of you. And right around this corner is the L&D room.”

The room is beautiful, nicer than most hotel rooms I’ve been in and at least 3x the size. There are imprinted leaves for focus points on the ceiling, all the scary medical stuff is tucked and hidden in beautiful wood cabinetry, there’s a jacuzzi in the bathroom and a really comfy couch in the corner. There is also me, standing in the corner, trying my best not to hyperventilate. It started getting hot because we had to close the door. This is when she shows us the squat bar and the ”break away” bottom of the bed, explaining, “This breaks away because your doctor will get right up in there.” Here is where I get a little dizzy and break open my water for the first time. Nothing says, “You’re about to give birth to a child” like a break away bed.

The rest of the tour is a bit of a blur. “We don’t have a well baby nursery, we have an amazing NICU, we have wifi in all delivery and post-partum rooms (yup, Andria, I will be trying my best to keep this updated while in the hospital - expect something like, “IT HURTS! SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!”), your family has to come in that way and they’re not allowed to go in there. Use this sign if you want privacy, this sign if you want visitors, this sign if you don’t want men around, this sign if you’d like a margarita and some morphine.” I plan to take full advantage of the latter.

It’s getting *way* too close. 28 days. A mommy on a board I frequent was due a week or two after me and just gave birth last week to an incredibly beautiful baby girl. (Congratulations, Becky!) As much as it made my heart flop and flip and wish for my baby Ben to be here, too, it also made my heart flop and flip and realize how completely unprepared I am. (Although, I did get my hospital bag about 90% packed the night we got home from the tour.) I think I may need that last sign now…

This Week in Pregnancy - Week 36

Your baby is still putting on the pounds — about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds and is a little less than 19 inches long. She’s shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the creamy substance that covered and protected her skin during its submersion in amniotic fluid. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, which will stay in her bowels until birth. This blackish mixture, called meconium, will become her first bowel movement.

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Babies between 37 and 42 weeks are considered full-term; a baby born before 37 weeks is pre-term and after 42 is post-term.) Most likely she’s in a head-down position by now, which is optimal for a smooth delivery, but if she isn’t in the next week, your provider may suggest scheduling an “external cephalic version,” which is a fancy way of saying she’ll try to coax your baby into a head-down position manually, by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.