At the sheer threat of visiting my in-laws on Wednesday, I had a panic attack. Since then, I’ve been in a state of complete disarray. I’ve been crying uncontrollably. I’ve been tired. I’ve been terrified. Long story short, I’ve been a raging mess.

I did the unthinkable this morning, called my boss and puked my issues all over her while asking for a month off. I love my job with a passion (I do breastfeeding peer counseling for WIC), but I’ve begun letting it go more and more. It’s not fair for the clients and it’s not fair for the job. I promised I would return but, in this current state, I can’t see much past my nose, nevertheless a month from now.

My dad called a couple of hours ago, my grandma’s cancer has spread to her kidneys. She can no longer walk. The hospice care folks are coming by today to get her settled. They don’t expect she has very long.

I’m not scared for my grandma. She’s lived a very religious life that always had “the here-after” as the ultimate goal. I am, however, scared for the family after she passes. She’s has been the glue that holds things together for so long, I’m sure everything will fall apart.

We’re to go visit her today. The thought of doing so is really, really frightening. Verge of another panic attack frightening. I have no choice but to go. I can’t miss seeing my grandma just because of my crap, I’m just praying my crap won’t make me more harmful than helpful.