Does anyone remember that scene from 16 candles? The scene where Sam’s grandma mentions she’s gotten “her boobies”, sighs “and they’re so perky” and proceeds to feel her up? Well…picture that exact same moment with me as Molly Ringwald and my mother-in-law as the old lady with the roaming hands. In front of Eric’s aunt, uncle and cousin visiting from out of town.

Okay, so she didn’t grab my boobs or anything but it was just as uncomfortable and it’s something I’d rather repress for the rest of my life. Of course, instead, I post it here so I can just keep reliving it and, hopefully, make you all cringe just a little with me.

Eric’s aunt, uncle and cousin arrived first. They called a little over an hour before they were due and, when Eric informed them that we were not ready, they advised us not to look out our window as they were parked out front.

Ifreakedthefuckout.

They came back 30 minutes later. When Eric’s parents showed up about 30 minutes past due, we’d all gotten settled and comfortable with one another. That didn’t last.

We all know how my mother in law feels about me so imagine my surprise when she walked in, made a bee-line towards me, stared me in the eyes as if we’d been having a secret affair and began rubbing up my arm. “Oh, I missed you. I missed you so much. I missed you.”
“Oh…kay.” What the hell was I supposed to say to that one? “Oh yeah? Well, I tried everything to get out of this whole encounter and it didn’t work so that whole missing thing? Totally one-sided. And get off me because you’re giving me the creeps.”

Later that afternoon, Ben was sleeping on my lap. My 73-year-old mother-in-law crawled from across the room and began stroking his arm, “Oh, he’s so soft!” She asked her sister to come over, “feel him. Isn’t he so soft?”
“Yes, he is.” Eric’s aunt, very gingerly, rubbed Ben a couple of times and then went to go back and sit down.
“And feel her! She’s soft, too!” My mother-in-law began feeling up my arm again.
“Oh…uh…okay.” His poor aunt gave me a bit of an apologetic look, touched me once and sat down.

Eric, sitting next to me, looked horrified then looked away. Very apparently trying to pretend as if it weren’t happening. Great, way to protect me from your molesting mama there, bud.

Really, though, what the hell kind of encounter is that? Who feels people up and, not only that, but encourages others to feel people up? I’ll tell you what kind of people. Orgy masters. Orgy masters do that sort of thing but not mother-in-laws in the midst of a family get together. Well, none but mine, anyway.

And, you know, as weird as this part of the day was, it’s nothing compared to the ukulele story which I will write about next. Right after I go take another shower.