Of Pineapple and Castor Oil

Day 2 of “The Little Brat is Past Due” and I have officially broken down and purchased castor oil - not to be confused with Castrol oil, which apparently happens so often it is the first warning on one of the “castor oil inducement” pages.

Before I’m yelled at:
Yes, I do realize this increases the chance of meconium. However, they also think the fact that, since most women who use castor oil are overdue, them being overdue is what increases the chance of meconium.
Yes, I do know it can cause dehydration. I plan to drink water and lots of it. Even while having explosive diarrhea.
Yes, I do understand that you must be effaced and dilated at least a little bit for it to work. I, honestly, have no idea if anything is happening down there since none of my midwives want to look at my vagina (it has me feeling quite dejected).
No, I don’t plan on using it until after the midwives do an internal and tell me if I’m progressing. I plan to beg them to do so at my next appointment on Friday or threaten to cry until they do.
No, I don’t plan on doing it without my midwife’s knowledge.
Yes, I have tried basil, to no avail.
Yes, I have tried pumping, to no avail.
Yes, I have tried sex, to no avail.
Yes, I have tried pineapple and it gave me a burn inside my lip and on my tongue. It also gave me an allergic reaction. Fresh pineapple is evil.

So my plan is as follows (I should make a flow chart):
If the child doesn’t come between now and Friday’s appointment, I will beg the midwife to look into my vagina.
If my cervix is not doing a damn thing, I will then beg the midwife to schedule me for a Cervadil intervention that evening. I realize this is cheating. I realize this goes against my natural childbirth thing. I do not care.
If my cervix is ripe and ready, I will beg my midwife to schedule me to go in that evening and have my membranes ruptured. Again, I realize this is cheating, going against natural childbirth, yadda yadda yadda. Don’t care.
If my cervix is doing something but not enough, I will then beg my midwife to sweep my membranes as if she hated me with all the fiery passion in her soul. I will then drive through Wendy’s, get a couple of Frosties, and taint them with castor oil. I will come home, drink 1st of said Frosties and take a hot shower. I will pump while eating basil on pineapple ice cream with black & blue cohosh drops mixed into my red raspberry tea, all while having sex and keeping myself hydrated. I will try my best not have explosive diarrhea all over my husband. I will start all over with the second Frosty two hours later if none of the above works the first time.

And that, my dear friends, is my plan.

Filed under 3rd Trimester, pregnancy, rant |