I’m depressed.

Not funny, is it? Laugh anyway, or I may sob uncontrollably for a few hours.

I’ve always had a little problem with depression, but it hasn’t been a consistent depression until recently. The hormones make me insane. Some days, I feel great. I wouldn’t say top of the world, but good enough. Any day I don’t feel like ramming my head repeatedly into a wall is a good day. Ante-partum depression, I think it’s called.

Last week I cried because Eric was grumpy, I was grumpy, dad was grumpy, and I was confronted with the super hard task of “how do I manage to do the exact same thing I do every day?” I didn’t just cry. I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried for an hour. Then later, I sat outside in the middle of the night and cried some more.

My days go up and down. I feel like there’s a million and one things to do and I am incapable of doing them. I can’t muster up the energy or motivation to save my life. I feel like I’m completely worthless when it comes to contributing to our home. I feel like Eric always has to take care of me and that he’s got to be sick of it. I’m always feeling insecure, alone and incapable. Most of the time, I find a way to ignore it but some days…

I’ve read that ante-partum depression is a pretty great indicator of possible post-partum depression after the baby comes. Now there’s something to look forward to.