Why You Don’t Eat Standing, Sitting or Dancing Onions

Let me begin by saying I am a raging idiot. I figured, what the hell, a little polish sausage from Costco won’t kill me. Toss in a few onions and some mustard, mmm mmm good. We had to be at the house at 8am for the furnace and plumbing guys to come check the horrifying inspection report we’d gotten on the house. I thought a second about the polish sausage…Listeria. It was cooked thoroughly, so I got over it and scarfed the sucker down.

6am comes. I wake up nauseous beyond belief. I take my thyroid pill and pray that I can go back to sleep for an hour before I need to yakk. No such luck. I surpressed until 6:35. I’m proud of that, I’ve never felt so sick in my life. I prayed to the porcelain god for over an hour, all the time with nothing in my stomach. If you’ve read my symptom updates, you’ve read that I have had the unfortunate experience of letting bladder loose everytime I vomit. Well, this time, I lost control of ALL bodily functions. Again, I have never been so sick in my life.

7:15am - We head out of the house. I feel horrible. I try eating a blueberry muffin to avoid a repeat of the empty belly, flourescent yellow, painful yakk of the morning. Eric’s trying to drive carefully so I don’t eject myself out of the roof of the car. I surpresseed for 25 minutes. Again, I am proud. Eric then hit the brakes on the highway. You can guess what happened next.

We get to the house around 8 and I managed to get through the whole rest of the day without throwing up. I even went out to eat, and got a bite and a half down. We returned home and I couldn’t stop shivering. I was freezing cold. I had no fever but I certainly felt like I had one. I kept trying to eat a muffin, things that would keep me from empty belly pukes and surpressed until 1am. Then it came, harder than ever before. I have never been so sick in my life, this life, past lives or any future ones. To top it off, I bled a little and it scared the hell out of me.

It ended around 4. I finally got to sleep and, upon waking, scared the hell out of myself reading what food poisoning can do to pregnancies. I called the doctor at 2 and her nurse said, “You’re fine. If it’s over with, you’re just fine. Don’t worry about it.”

So, I’m trying not to worry about it. Even though I’m now convinced my child will be born 3 months early and have some horrible mutation because my idiot self decided to eat Costco onions that had probably been sitting out for weeks on end. I am an idiot.

This Week in Pregnancy - Week 9

According to Babycenter:

Your new resident is nearly an inch long — barely the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce, but he’s poised for rapid weight gain now that his basic physical structure is in place. He’s also starting to look more and more human. His embryonic “tail” is now completely gone and his body parts — including organs, muscles, and nerves — are kicking into gear.

His eyelids are fused shut and won’t open until 27 weeks. He has earlobes, and by week’s end, the inner workings of his ears will be complete. His upper lip is fully formed, too, and his mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The tips of his fingers are slightly enlarged where his touch pads are developing. All major joints — his shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles — are working, enabling your baby to move his limbs. As for his heart, it has divided into four chambers now, and the valves have started to develop. External sex organs are there, but won’t be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.

Symptom Check-in - Week 8

This week hasn’t been the worst. It was actually pretty dealable. I think I yakked once the whole week. It was great. You know you’re pregnant when your idea of an awesome day is one you spend disgustingly nauseous, but not throwing up.

Thanksgiving Turkey Toss

Besides the fact that I’m not looking forward to putting my poor dizzy dog into a car and dragging him all the way across the city, I’m not really looking forward to the idea of Thanksgiving at all this year.

I’ve never been a huge fan of turkey, but just the thought of the smell is making me gag out loud. The idea of ham makes me want to forcibly remove my tongue. It really is that bad. I can’t help but picture how things will look on the way out, so everything with brown gravy horrifies me.

However, I am looking very forward to mashed potatoes, sans gravy. I could eat piles of that right this moment. In fact, I think it may be the only thing I’ll be eating for thanksgiving this year. Which I am completely okay with.

This Week in Pregnancy - Week 8

According to Babycenter:

Your baby is now 5/8 of an inch long, about the size of a kidney bean. She’s constantly moving and shifting, although you won’t be able to feel these womb wiggles for several weeks yet. Her embryonic tail is disappearing, and her eyelids practically cover her eyes. Still slightly webbed, her fingers and toes are growing longer. Her arms have lengthened, too, and her hands are now flexed at the wrist and meet over her heart. Her knee joints have formed, and her feet may be long enough to meet in front of her body. With her trunk straightening out, her head is more erect. Breathing tubes extend from her throat to the branches of her developing lungs. The nerve cells in her brain are also branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. Though you may be daydreaming about your baby as one gender or another, the external genitals still haven’t developed enough to reveal whether you’re having a boy or a girl.

Symptom Check-in - Week 7

Canine Vestibular Disease

After a stroke scare, Pax (my dog) was diagnosed with (possible) old dog vestibular disease. If it is, it should clear up in the next 3 days to 3 weeks, otherwise, it’s a brain tumor. We’re hoping against hope that it’s CVD, but it’s still up in the air and the symptoms are completely scary.

He’s miserable and I’m scared to death he won’t be around to meet my baby. I can’t imagine being without him, he’s been with me since I was 10 years old. Please keep him in your thoughts.

One Mom at a Time

Eric’s mother hates me. She hates everyone, so it’s not a big insult, it’s just not something I’m used to. I generally get along with moms pretty well, and have never been disliked by any friends or boyfriends families. Eric’s mother, however, is a whole other story. In the past two years, and 5 times I have seen her, these are a few of my favorite gems of joy that have come out of her mouth about me.

• “You may want to air yourself out on the way to the concert. Some singers have allergies to such strong perfumes.”
• (To Eric’s dad, screaming in the most hateful tone I’ve ever heard) “And that girlfriend of his…SHE’S FAT! And he’s just making her fatter by feeding her all that junk!”
• (In response to my hearing her) “You don’t understand, I was having a bad day. Besides, I’m worried about your health. I had a bad day, better out than in!”
• “I guess I’m not going to see Jessica again until I get therapy and am perfect.”
• (To Eric, regarding our house - I’m paraphrasing here, because I’m not entirely sure exactly what was said) “I spoke to a lawyer friend about what your options would be if you and Jessica split up. He can talk to you about them when he drops by tomorrow.”

She’s also convinced Eric has suddenly taken up smoking weed . WEED! The man who gets angry about people smoking outside of a door because he’s afraid it might give him lung cancer. She suddenly thinks this when he’s dating me. Coincidence?

Needless to say, at this point, I’m seriously considering not allowing her to come within 100 feet of this child. She’s already not allowed to come near my family because I’m afraid I’d deck her if she said anything even remotely snide to my loved ones.

It’s a little sad, but because of her, I’ve decided not to have a wedding when Eric and I get married. I don’t want to deal with her response when she is not (and she really would not be, under any circumstances) invited, and I don’t want to give her any more leverage to keep Eric’s dad away from him. My parents got married at a courthouse, I guess I can, too.

A whole other issue is dealing with his father, who is a wonderful man. He’s so sweet and kind. He’s got a good heart. His mom, however, rules the roost and I’m not sure how I can have my child enjoy a lot of time with his grandfather (which would be nothing but really good), and stay miles away from Eric’s mother at the same time. Despite how she feels about me, she’s far from a child friendly person. Her reactions and responses to things are so scary, I can’t imagine subjecting a baby to these things. Then, as the baby grows, I can’t imagine what she’ll say to it if it’s overweight, or if she’s unhappy with me that day. Not to mention the energy surrounding her. You can feel it from a mile away, even if you’re not a new age hippy freak like me.

I feel like I’d be a shitty mom to let my child be around that, and that sucks.

The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy

I got a whole load of books on Thursday from Amazon and eBay. Including “The Pregnancy Book”, “The Birth Book”, “The Baby Book”, & “The Breastfeeing Book” by the Sears clan. Also, “The BabyCenter Essential Guide to Pregnancy and Birth”, “Baby 411″, and “The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy.” I decided to dive into the latter first. So on Friday I began “The Girlfriends Guide,” and finished it an hour ago.

Halfway through the first chapter, I began to notice a slight tinge of “I can’t stand this woman” entering my brain. Everything felt very snide. By the end of the third chapter, I knew I hated her. She equates being overweight with being ugly, makes it very clear your husband will NEVER find you attractive again, and acts as if pregnant women are the most disgusting looking women on earth, we are lucky people look at us without retching.

The first 11.5 chapters are an entire waste of time, they’re all about how fat and disgusting you will get - I say 11.5 because, somewhere in the 12th chapter, she almost begins to sound human and starts lending out useful “girlfriend” information. I can sum up the first chapters for you, so as to save you the time and energy. “Oh my God, like, you’re going to get so fat! You’re going to be so gross! You’re going to waddle and look disgusting! Your entire pregnancy should be focused on how you’re going to get rid of the fatness when you have the baby. Never forget, your husband thinks you’re disgusting, don’t even try to have sex with him. In fact, everyone thinks you’re disgusting…and you are! You’re fat and ugly!”

After that, the last few chapters are actually worth the read. She obsesses less about how ugly and fat we all are, and gives more usefull information. Information you want to hear, in a clear, concise, and oddly warm manner. The last few chapters were worth reading to the end, the first 11 just made me self-conscious, angry and annoyed. Maybe it’s hormones, but I doubt it. If any “girlfriend” ever spoke to me the way this woman speaks to her audience in this book, I would never call her a friend again. In fact, I might go so far as to banish her from ever entering within 50 feet of my big, fat, pregnant ass, for fear of wanting to take her head of with my big, fat, cellulite covered thigh.

Of course, you can’t really take this woman too seriously. I mean, for being so self absorbed, she recommends wearing stirrup leggings with boots to “cover your fat ankles.” I don’t care how fat my ankles are, there’s nothing on God’s green earth that could ever make me wear stirrup leggings, nevertheless with boots. Yikes!

Symptom Check-in - Week 6

This week has been the worst, thus far. Just the thought of things can make me nauseous. In fact, we were in the car on Thursday and I’d just imagined licking a lemon. My face suddenly self-contorted into the sour face, as if I really had just licked it. I was once able to watch the most disgusting of horror scenes in movies. Now, they make me nauseous. I was also once able to watch baby wipe commercials without sobbing like an infant, no longer! It really makes you feel like you’re going insane. I can’t imagine lasting another 5 weeks (or, God forbid, more) feeling like this.